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Posts Tagged ‘withdrawl’

It’s a rainy day at the hostel on vashon island. It is quiet here and i crawl inside and memories of rainy days spent elsewhere come upon me. It is not the activity, or inactivity, i remember so much as the mood, and the desire to crawl within. I have slept a lot in my time here, and my body returns to a familiar sluggishness that comes with the rain and darker days. but it is spring now, and days get longer, and as i write this at 8:43 the sun still has not set. But i feel heavier now, like i did after my deep nap my first day here, that deep afternoon sleep where you wake up and your entire body is deeply creased from the clothes and blankets that dug in, and you wonder how you pressed so heavily so as to be marked so deep.

While the sleep was much need with the journeys into that other world and an emptiness of mind, when i lay too long the sadness creeps in and wants to settle inside. And why is this i ask? need it be so? And the answer is really – i don’t know. I know in theory it need not be, but it is such a familiar feeling returning to me. i have felt this way in my body and energy on so many rainy days spent inside before.

this morning as i prepared my heavier breakfast of oatmeal, i stared out the window as the clouds blew over the sun and lines of rain began to fall. A memory of a place and time long forgotten came upon me – a few rainy days at the Cosmic Cow Hostel south of Naniamo where i first WOOFed in April 2002. They were days of people and alone gathered inside against the rain, many movies watched and some talk, and trips outside to walk in the woods. While the landscape is similar, though more rural there, it was the heaviness and condensation in my body that brought on that memory. And with it came many others, in various country locations on Vancouver Island and the BC coast, rainy days in Tofino, courtenay, and Sechelt where i felt much the same, and i realized that for a long time this felt normal to me. But even then i knew something was off.

I know it is not just the pacific northwest, for times in the fall in the east came to me, a weekend reading in bed in montreal, and some endless days spent at pams outside of Buffalo. What these days have in common, is that they were lazy days where i could give into the feelings and crawl inside for awhile. After all is this not what rainy days are about? I watched a good movie from the collection of videocasettes, and drank tea and napped for a while.

When i arrived here in the sun my energy already felt denser to me, but the weather had already begun to shift that day; earlier there were periods of clouds and rain and the temperature had dropped several degrees. But i stood outside and stretched my body out, a little bit of yoga and qigong – neither of which i had done in a while. And it felt so good, for i had gotten into a zone in my head, and i have remembered to do some since i have been here. But this morning it felt more like a desperate quest, to move something along that was settling inside – a dense unease. Though i have meditated, but not as much as planned and sang to myself, still i feel the crawling or hiding within. but is this not a time to do just so, to assimilate and process the activities of late – is that not why we have rain and winter, a time to slow down and move inside.

For often when life is full of activity, outside and/or within, i have craved a rainy day where i could just be unto myself (or ideally with a loved one, and maybe that is the point). As i was writing this i remember some days camping in the rain, the days i rejoiced the chance just to sit in my tent, read, meditate, sing and sleep, integrate and process all that was in me. But after a while i also rejoiced (or craved) the sun and the ability to journey back out again.

And i know that at times rains are welcomed, and rejoiced upon, bringing an end or a release to what has building up, releasing heavy pressure or a crackling dry and nurturing the earth. But it is not the summer rains or thunderstorms i write about, but the cool constant rains of the northwest and similar locales or the rains of the fall.
These rains can become a weight holding you down, and while it need not be so, i am not alone in this feeling i know. The rain in the city is different quality altogether as it bounces off concrete and splashed upon you. For i remember the depression that came upon me in Vancouver and Victoria and elsewhere. But i think the difference is not only in the terrain, but in the level you are able to integrate the rain – to be with it outside or to journey to that space within.

I think of my last time in Seaside in an early rainy spring when i stayed about a week. sun had been predicted for two weekends before, but the rain had continued on and winter was getting stale. All everyone talked about how there would be sun for the weekend coming up, and i could sense the desperation in their voices. I felt that if there had been another weekend of rain, all would have a collective breakdown, But the sun did come and you could feel the mood shift as people looked up and walked with a bounce in their steps, smiling as they went along, and this is something i have detected many places after a long bout of rain.

But i also remember one weekend in Seward, where the sun did shine after 10 days of rain (and before another 17 but we did not know that then) where the town seem to crackle that day, as people let loose what they had been holding inside. i later heard that i was one of many who briefly walked off their jobs that day. And i remember the crackling of an energy shift that has happened several times as i have crossed over the mountains away from the coast leaving the heavy comfort behind. So different expressions can be released when it lifts.

I think some of my feelings might be the duration of the journey within – not merely with the rains, but with my life more broadly for i remember my time in ireland where the days of heavy rain alternated with those of sun and grey, and i was able to truly appreciate all. i also was more active and expansive there. So the journey within and the days to reflect were a balance to those i journeyed out. i is not merely what i do with the days, to reach for the beyond and bring joy and transform inside, but also the question if i spend too much time there. And i feel like i have spent too much time in that cave within.

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