Posts Tagged ‘Energy’

I turned my gaze upwards and saw something i had not seen before – a tower looming large overhead. It was there all along, but somehow i never noticed it.I was not seeking it, but suddenly it appeared, i was looking at other things, the twisted branches and tops of trees. But i turned my head and this appeared, the image of a cross and a tower looming overhead, and i began to wonder who is looking down upon us.

Who is Watching Over Us?


It was the juxtaposition of the symbols that caught my eye. As i walked that day, found pyramids and more, that tower kept appearing everywhere. Was i blind, for now it appears everywhere i look, and dominates the skyline and my mind. Perhaps it is calling out to me – communicating from above – calling out to all of us. I travelled about, forgetting about it, then i would turn around, look up, and suddenly it was there. And i wonder, just what power does it have – it is this that we worship the most?

So many times, when something comes to us, it begins to dominate our minds, and casts a light or a shadow over all that we see. It appears, and takes hold, and looms above all be it a fascinating discovery, a love, a worry or a fear – we see it everywhere and in all, and build upon what we envision. This tower represents so much of our current society, and i wonder about the vibrations sent out, and how it affects our bodies and our minds. And then it is time to recast the lens, refocus, cast my gaze elsewhere and call in that which illuminates.

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I found it today. i was not looking, and lo and behold it was there. I have written previously that i felt that San Francisco was an ancient holy center, and that the hills that it is famous for are truly the remnants of pyramids of a bygone ancient civilization.https://energiesofplace.wordpress.com/2011/01/03/re-enchantment-an-ancient-holy-place/



Today it was shown to me, the mother pyramid, that which was at the center of it all. She is not the tallest hill, but once i spotted her i knew. I have been near her several times, walked beneath her, but was blinded and never saw. Most likely, i had not come from the right direction, for her magic is shrouded from many angles. But she is a park, and people and dogs gather there and is marked on the maps, but somehow i overlooked her before. Maybe i was not ready to see. 

 I spotted her as i was up on Beuna Vista park, one of the hills that has spoken to me as a very special place, not only with the view of the church and the bay (and the ocean on a clear day), but with the magic energy it has. I was not planning to come here, but after a walk to Alamo Square (the first locale where the pyramids spoke to me) and a bite to eat, i was called there despite my fatique and the threat of rain. And once up there, the winds picked up and the sky turned a darker grey, but i was called to walk up and then down a different way – i said go back, it is bound to storm, but my feet kept on taking me down another path – when over the trees, i spotted it, the hill and park which i knew was the main pyramid.

I looked and saw the green grass covered hill, standing noble and seemingly alone, a few paths up were visible as were the rock formations at the top. i knew it was somewhere special, but did not know how to find my way there. The path took me out of beuna vista onto a road where i had never been, in an area where the streets twist and turn, and i was unsure on what direction to go to reach this pyramid. i turned to my right, and then another street turned down, and there it was, a pyramid for sure to be found.


I hesitated, not sure which way i wanted to walk up, walked around at the bottom, first to my left past a dog run, but then took the small path with steps that led to the top. The winds picked up and i could feel an oncoming storm, and although i was not too sure where i was, i pressed on.

The rock formations at the top form a different world, and as i went down and up, the wind was intense up there, and i felt like i might blow over at times, but i just wanted to speak with them. They have been painted over in places, to cover graffitti i guess, but i could make out beings in them, overlooking the city and the bay. And i wondered, who is in there? What civilization once was here? For they call back a much more ancient time.







  From the top you had expansive views of the domain, the bay, the city center, and the taller hills to the south. You are in a bowl, but not. hard to explain. I went down in one direction, curious to see (and ok i admit to see if i could find a place to pee), and from the bottom near the randall museum, it just looked like a hill, nothing special. I looked up and a hawk (i think) was floating still in the air, and did so several times, majestically floating in the wind (until i tried to take a picture of him). I used the bathroom, and walked back up, talked to a woman on a bench; few people were around, a guy taking photos when i arrived, and a few lone people with gods who also paused at the rocks. The winds picked up once again, and i just knew this was it; i felt awake and alive and somehow at peace, but although i touched and talked to the rocks, i did not feel a call to sit and linger on oneI descended into the valleys, walking along, and felt my energy change once again.
I finally left, and walked down the hill (i found out where i was from the view at the top), and found myself soon on a few streets i had walked once or twice, but from there, you often do not see, or need to know how to look. i looked at its name, Corona Heights Park – so visible, but so hidden in the winding streets, but right on the 49 mile drive.

 but i know she is there, and yes, that this city was once a sacred place. I only wonder when all will be revealed – what this is now and what it was before. 

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Re-enchantment with the city – an ancient holy place or ceremonial city? hills as pyramids of a time gone by?

I am back once again inSan Francisco, that city by the bay, and today it calls forth delight in me. i am re-enchanted with this place, falling in love once again and feeling the joy and radiant energy pulse through. i did not feel this way when i first arrived, coming into the caltrain station south of market and riding a graffiti filled bus (the first like that) across the city. But once i got to the fort on the bluff where i stay, overlooking the water and the golden gate, sitting for a moment under the eucalyptus trees, i felt connected to this place once again. with the new year i can stay in this international hostel (i long ago used up all my 14 annual nights for 2010), and moved back to the room which brings me joy – not the 8 bed female dorm where my reservations were, but the 24 bed co-ed dorm (are there any other women in here?). But i am in my castle by the bay, an original bluff overlooking the bay, once protruding more before they created more land with infill, and the energy is wonderful here.

Yes i walked the wharf and the areas around, but spent my late afternoon and early evening climbing the hills. And there is a special energy to them, and i cannot but wonder if they are ancient pyramids and if the city was not once a holy ceremonial site of an era and a “peoples’ or other race long gone by.

This came to me on my last brief pass through town, between christmas and new years when i stayed in the center. My one full day, i returned to Alamo Square, a peak in the area that brings me joy, and is so full of life and light in contrast to some of what is around, it is on a hilltop and overlooks the city in all directions and as i looked to the south at twin peaks, and just over to Buena Vista park, and at another whose name i do not know, i felt as if i were in an ancient holy place, and if these hills contained a special energy, and still do today; an energy that all help feed, unconsciously, as smiles light up and joy and views are found, with an appreciation for lighting up the day, and the plants that grow and the dogs that play, all help to maintain the energy that way. that same day, less than a week ago (but eons ago to my warped sense of time) i also went up Buena Vista park, another hill closer to the Haight (whose chaotic strung out energy is yet another story), another place that has many times given me joy, and one where you feel that people are more alive, a hill planted with a variety of trees and turned into a park, with magnificent views of the golden gate bridge, the ocean, and the grand st. Ignatius church. I cannot help but feel that there is more to them than the eye reveals.

It is in these places (and more) that the city reveals its magic to me, and at times it is truly a magical place – but as in Alamo Square and today as i walked around telegraph and russian hills, i avoided looking at the one pyramid that feels nothing less that evil to me – the Transamerica Pyramid building, that infamous icon of the skyline, that which also concentrates energy, connecting earth and sky. the other day i looked at it, and the shapes of the steeples on churches, as i did again today; then the grand St Ignatius church over to the west, and today Saint Peter and Pauls and the St. Francis Assisi churches that lay off Columbus street, and saw how spirit and energy can be directed; but that pyramid – which haunts the city – with be the subject of another, darker, entry.

but today i went up Telegraph Hill and around Coit Tower just about sunset; the land felt lighter as i wandered up the streets, and the pink in the sky over the bay that faded away, remained in my heart. Another hill preserved with a park, and that tower that glows out at night; that magical tower where i thought to head the cloudy, rainy night of the lunar eclipse, that tower that inspires frivolous thoughts, and also calls back to a life i might once have had.

I walk down after dark, a cheap bite off Columbus street, the evil tower dominates what i consider to be the lower one, and then i was called up russian hill. I felt a magic return to me as i walked up the steep streets, nowhere in particular, but to the highest points for a view, and for photos of coit tower glowing in the dark and the spire of saint peters and pauls church – none which came out too well. i walk and feel lightened, and start to sing, i turn down a street and stop for a while, and realize it was the very place i stood when the beginning of the lunar eclipse came into view, and tonight i felt the joy that i did then; and of course grace cathedral and the labyrinth that i walked that night, sits on nob hill, a short walk away. And to these hills, the ones that help make san francisco famous, people come and feel something more, and in their delight help retain that energy in place.

The hills are low and we can climb up and the streets go straight up and down; we can ascend and come back down. The layout of them makes me ask, could they have been planned out long ago? There is something more, a lighter feel, connected yet apart from down below. this is an area i need to explore, for once again that insatiable sense that there is so much more. That once upon a time, long, long ago….

tonight i did not descend to that center where too many lives are hollowed out – i will return to help spread light there – but tonight i returned to the bay, and as i walked up the hill towards the fort where i stay i looked over the water below and then out towards the now darkened golden gate, and saw it as the gateway to another world – a world where i feel enchanted, and alive – which seems magical even as i lay in a bunk bed, smelling old sweat and socks, and wish that it could always be this way. but i also feel that this was once a ceremonial center, a holy place, and thus perhaps it is one we come as pilgrims to, to embrace what is here, to give it thanks and love, and to feel the special power of this place, a power to bring forth with us. i will be here a few more days, this time engaged in different activities, and i honour the power of the hills by the bay.

And i feel an interesting pulsing and moving of energy from the earth right now – no not a quake, but an underlying vibration of light, the light that calls me and others here, and that light that is beyond us all.

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The energies came over me – pulsing through as i came into view of the pillar point air force station – pain in my wrist, my back, a strange headache when near an antenna outside the base but that belonged to it. all was so intense and i was so driven to find out more – but that was now 4 days ago, and i am in another locale and what i experienced now slips away from me. The energy was strong when i first got to the area, and i felt hit all over – at the point montara lighthouse just before christmas, in the aftermath of the eclipse i felt attacked by some strange energetic force – hitting my solar plexus and grabbing onto my tongue. but that had passed and i was now out walking on a sunny day – feeling the calm after the rain and wind storm of christmas day, and the internal storms of the previous week.

many were out walking on the sunday after christmas but i felt uneasy in the land – pulses and slippings off and on since i had been by seal cove and sat out by montara lighthouse when i first arrived here. Still i walked back and felt drawn towards that other point, with surreal radar station with antennas and large white balls on the edge of a pennisula marking the north end of half moon bay. and from the map i see that i could follow side streets and a path way all the way there. I walked through moss beach and the main area fitzgerald marine park, looked at the seals down the cliff once again, and followed the path out to the other side, and down more streets, until it started up again, I found ocean avenue which was blocked off, but then saw many people and dogs walking and realized it was now a footpath – at some point it had buckled and cracked and was now closed and overgrown, and i began thinking about earthquakes and faults that dotted the land, at this point i did not yet know, that the san gregorio fault, also known as the seal cove fault, came on land right here in this area, between the park and the point. The second part of the park was up ahead, rolling cliffs on land being restored over the sea. dogs and people passing through. the sun began to give way to grey. walking towards the point i began to feel uneasy – a sign says trail ends here but people and dogs kept going on, and others were coming from there. it was just a sign, saying trail ends, private property, but nothing about no trespassing, and the trail was just as wide as before. Still, i had been feeling pulses in different locales, and something more came on as i neared the end – before the road and parking lot for the marsh lands and the trail out the base of pillar point.

a strange headache came up, a searing pain in my right wrist, more that is now a blur, but i felt unbalanced physically, and stumbled a bit on the trail. after i went down to where the cars were and into town it went away. i went by the marsh, and had to cross a polluted stream where dogs swam to get to the beach that connected to the town which was busy on this holiday. interacted with the town a bit and then went back over the bluff – again felt pain in joints, the wrist again, strange pains up and down my back and felt like i had to puke – walked on felt uneasy but then it went away. I sat down on a bench and called on the angels of light to help heal this land and felt calmer then.

Still that night i had to find out more – just what were these radars and this base, and could it be linked to what i had felt when i first arrived. This is a bit of what i learned:

“The Pillar Point AN/FPQ-6 and AN/MPS-36 radars are highly accurate G-band radars owned by the VAFB’s [Vandenberg Air Force Base] Western Range (WR). These radars can be used for tracking objects off the coast of central California. Data from the Point Mugu and VAFB metric radars are exchanged over 16 multiplexed channels for TSPI track and sensor positioning.
The AN/FPQ-6 is a Missile Precision Instrumentation Radar (MIPIR) class monopulse tracking radar used to provide position data on aircraft, missiles, space boosters, and orbiting bodies. The site can track in either skin mode or in conjunction with vehicle-borne transponders. The radar’s large antenna and high power coherent transmitter make the site’s data quality very high. The sensor can also provide Doppler-derived range rate data on skin or coherent transponder tracks. Non-owners may utilize the services of the radar, but site operations and maintenance is limited to the Western Range contractor.

The California Coast has few protective points. Pillar Point is one of them. The Point at night with its string of lights looks like the largest battleship in the American fleet. Source globalsecurity.org.

The property owned by the U.S. Air Force continues to be used as part of the missile tracking installation. Four of the remaining seven acres are currently owned by the San Mateo Harbor District and are being developed into a wetlands habitat. The remaining three acres are privately owned and undeveloped. ”

And i learned that Pillar Point is used for telemetry systems -. receiving and recording stations at vandenberg afb and pillar point afs with their associated antennas aquire record and transmit telemetry data to the vandenberg data processing equipment through microwave data transmission systems; metric tracking – radar tracking for range safety and as a command control center.

I began to wonder if it was the wavelengths themselves that could be hitting me (the area is closed at night) as i know that when i arrive in a city after being in more isolated areas i can feel blown away by the electromagentic smog for a few days. I also wondered what messages could have been conveyed over those radars those nights – from where and of what quality and intent. Those answers i do not know and may never know … but i can’t help wondering. The light still shown and turned at the short lighthouse as i sat on a bench on a cliff over the sea, and there was a spot as i walked i a direct inland path from the lighthouse towards the building where i slept, that the land just felt a bit less firm. I looked behind at the old bunker behind bench and remembered the land has also once been owned by the airforce.

And it was also then that i learned that i was almost on top of an active fault – the seal cove fault – part of the san gregorio fault – and had certainly been when i had been out walking that day – was i picking up on the earths vibrations here? i’m sure i was. and then i had to ask, why was that airforce tracking station located right there – where the fault line goes out to sea? and the main base is also located in an area of numerous faults. Could there be communication from the skies to the center of the earth, or do the faults help with communications? This lighthouse where i stay has once been air force property and was there any link here? were the faults becoming more active? but the next day, when i had to go back again, i saw that the seals and the other animals were calm.

i stayed another day – determined to take the walk below the point to see what i felt. I felt some trepidation about this, and seriously wondered if i would be harmed, but i was driven strongly be the need to discover more. something was pushing or pulling me forwards towards the point. as i walked through the park and by the seals i was tempted to turn around, and again on the roadway that has buckled somtime ago, but as i approached the high bluff, i called on god, and the angels of wisdom, love and light to protect me and to help me transmit that energy. The park was emptier that day – and in the beginning felt eerie to me, but i kept on calling on the angels to guide me forth. i walked with awareness of the fault that cut through the land, and of the air force station, and felt the vibrations less intensely. Again i felt land slipping in a few locales and different pulses from the land(but that happens other places for me as well),but the negative thought forms that siezed me before stayed away. below the point i found dogs and people walking along, and wondered if it had all been a dream. i had walked further out towards the ocean that day, and not was close to the antenna, but when i passed under its shadow on the road, i felt my shoulders begin to dance, and waves pulse through once again and energy coming on strong. then i remembered the maps i had looked at the night before, and it occured to me this antenna must be standing precisely on top of the fault. I then went to the town of pillar point and caught a bus to the hostel.

i don’t know what the energies were – and as always words fail me, and now i know something came through me, but feel as if my memory has been erased. or is it now that i have moved on, and through different locales, so it is a blur once more, the intensity of all having slipped away.

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abandoned journey?

Staying here i have abandoned my path – the heaviness and sluggishness have now set in; it seemed a calm, but now that the intensity is gone, a deadness looms inside. I retreat and hide away, no longer engage with the energies of place, no longer feel them, at least consciously. But i know that i do, and that they have become a part of me – they have won. My world becomes small; i become small. My world the hostel – i cook some, gain weight, feel overwhelmed by the endless chatter or pratter of some, not part of “the group” to whom i cannot relate – big dominant personalities, so i shrink away to my room, my bed, hide behind the computer screen, and now so much of my life on line – a place where i engage much more than before – reach out- but again on the outside. I crave that intensity and passion, some glee that drives me out of bed in the morning, that gets me moving, but instead i find diversions to fill my day – sometimes. and i remember this feeling, the place where i have spent so much time, not in the physical world per se, but inside – that place that says this is it, this is all it is supposed to be, why can’t you be like the rest, get off on what they do – but i cannot – for how long did i try, and then, as now, for how long did i merely resist, still not engaging in what calls me forth, and as i do not feed that light, it slips away and i no longer know what it is. Has it died or has it just been buried inside? At times i feel like maybe some of the harsh edge is fading, that a softness is shining through, but where is the edge in the positive that makes me more than a lump.

It is not merely this physical place where i am – the return to hostel zone – the place where i said i would not go back to, but something drove me here – for although many drive me nuts and i am on the outside, i do interact with people more, and it was years ago in hostels where it first began. And here i have been allowed to stay, not pushed out, as it has been in so many locales. Why is it that these very places where i feel dead, are the same ones where i can stay. Is it because i dared not live? Or is it in the quiet times, that something slowly grows inside, a transformation that is imperceptible to me, but when i look back that is where it occurred.

Is it November, the coming of winter, people huddle in, the trees have dropped their leaves in all their splendour, and reveal their nakedness. The days are darker; so much less light revealed. but no, i have felt it in these zones at other times – but the late fall has also been a time of retreat.

But it is also the place – not only here – but others like this – that i stop in locales where i do not see me staying, do not see a way to bloom that is me. I went to a tree lighting in a square – heard about it through another, but like so much with events here, the information is hard to find; it was small, subdued, and without passion so it seemed, that restricted feeling that comes with salt lake – of nice streets and clean, but that does not know how to do festivals and events. i walk through temple square, so beautiful and lit up in a multitude of colours; it made me smile as i made my way through the conservative well dressed crowd, but again i felt something press down through the choral music in the air. But i ventured out a little bit; for a moment felt less sluggish then returned with an empty evening ahead of me.

The sluggishness is here – and has taken over – reminds me of beaconsfield and toronto with my dad; the two cities, montreal and toronto are grand, but when i have been back i have felt this emptiness and deadness grow; i thought it had gone away but it has returned. And it is that feeling of having given up once again, of supposing to be someone i am not, of neither understanding nor fitting into the mainstream, but of feeling that is what i am supposed to do – get along, fit in, carve off the corners of my star to fit into the square hole, and kill that part of me that is unique and different, that walks to a different beat, that provides the spark and light that can shine – and i feel her dying inside. And how to move beyond that deepest most primal feeling that she is unacceptable and that who she is is wrong, that if only she were fixed somehow, that she would be allowed to dance. And while i dance with her sometimes, there is that feeling that i must put her aside; her music is different than what others feel and she cannot dance to the canned dancehall pop (and when it comes to literal dancing this is so true – i move and shine to the more offbeat tunes that so many “struggle with” and remain stiff or go through unfelt motions when if comes to many of the popular tunes when the floor comes alive and fills up – but at least when it comes to dancing i am now ok with that)

Maybe that is why i have been stuck here – a stuckedness i brought on myself – to learn to own this and to shine through anyways – to accept and love that girl inside, and to feed her energy, so that she might shine through and dispel those voices that say she should be something else – to reclaim that slogan of my teens “you gotta be weird to be normal” and accept my difference as a unique shining light.

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Shared Energy in the dorm room

I had the room to myself last night and my sleep was wonderful and deep. Though i went on long journeys in my dream world, i woke up early and refreshed feeling happy and alive. The air in this room feels so much clearer today even though the window was closed last night. I am so grateful for this momentary peace.

I sleep in a dorm room with six beds, sharing space with others not known to me – at least initially. I am in another hostel where people come and go, and with them their energies; some are brought in, some picked up and some linger on to be picked up by others who enter in.

The air in this room had been heavy to say the least. Despite the cool night air, i would usually open the window by my bed a couple of inches, to let the air flow in. A few nights where i did not before i went to bed, i would find myself suffocating and not wanting to breathe. A few nights there has been stronger perfume (or scented lotions etc) but it was the emotions and thought forms that i was suffocating on. The other woman who has been here the past two weeks felt it too. In the mornings she’d open her window up wide and open the door to air out the room. It would be freezing in here, but she did not care – she was going out for the day.

And it was her energy i know i felt for she did not want to share a room; she wanted to be in control and she expected all to live small. She could not sleep with any noise, a person opening up the door, or rolling over in bed – never mind the conversations outside (which could bother me) or people coming in late. Although she did not speak directly (which was part of the problem), her emotions and thoughts came through in comments overheard or made about others, in the tone of her voice, in her movements and body language, in her actions however small, and of course in the energetic vibe she sent out. I could feel her tension, her resentment, her frustration and anger. At times I consciously felt it, but it drifted in even when i was asleep. At times i felt like i did not want to be here, or would loose my thoughts and passion when i came into the room. Although we would open the windows, some of the energies lingered behind, and would be fed and renewed each day, for what i projected as not pure either for i got caught in and inadvertently helped build the thought and emotional form that has lingered in this place. Resentment can be felt in the air.

Rooms are containers of energy, and without movement what is inside can become stagnant. Winter is coming in this part of the world, and it is a time of year when homes and buildings are closed up against the cold outside, and more time is spent in the inside where there is now often less of a flow. I think of the sick building syndrome of recycled air inside sealed buildings and workplaces where a general malaise and vague illnesses build inside. It is not just the chemicals or germs and bacteria that can make us ill but the thoughts and emotions that get trapped inside and therefore grow and feed themselves, renewing their energy in and through us. And so we want to open the windows and clear the air, and when we do it can feel fresher for a while.

But often the airing out is not complete and energies linger behind. Even when a room is enclosed, there is always movement; people (and objects) coming and going – carrying energy in and out. And some are susceptible to picking up on the energy around; they are more open to it and it is in tune with (a part of) that which is carried inside and the larger energetic form can call that part of the being out. And i know that is in part what happened to me. When i arrived i was exhausted and after a few days became dispirited in general; there were many larger factor at play in the city and beyond; but i also picked up on the energies of others in this room and across the hall who were emitted vibes of frustration, depression and/or negativity – not directed at me but that were in the air, the vibes and subtle actions of all – and thereby despite some attempts to move above or beyond, i got caught in and dragged down and became an agent in the cycle myself. While at times i would consciously try to alter it through thoughts, movements and music, the force was greater than myself, and i could not make it hold; and i believe that at times she tried too.

People and energies move in an out of here, and while there is a force it also changes and empties out. But what does it attract; more of the same? I have seen that it other places, be they hostels or workplaces, where the “same person” keeps on coming through. the bodies and names change, but the energy and mannerisms remains the same, and when one leaves, another arrives, as if to fill the niche. Before i came, i had been feeling “off” and was called to here, and it seems like many were at that stages of their trips – at an impasse, a blocked course, or otherwise frustrated with their journey or their lives when they arrived; and i wonder if the larger energy call them here. For i notice that different places call in different types of vibes, and those who stay, including myself, often resonate with it.

The woman who came in and who left yesterday, took the same bed as another girl who had been here and who also seemed not to want others around; i talked to a few others, and they felt the same way – you would walk into a room and she would leave or would vibrate disapproval at your presence; i knew it was not personal, for from the little i picked up, she was unhappy overall, and at a low point in her trip – the point that i believe went lower in her time here. When she checked out i had the room to myself for a night, and like last night could feel the heaviness lift from the air. For a while – until it returned once again.

And i ask myself, what in the energy matrix lingered on? Was it that it is greater than any of us and pulls in a certain vibration? It is powerful enough to alter the energy of those who come in? In my rejoicing of the lighter feel and having the place to myself, did i unconsciously send out unwelcoming thoughts? Was i trying to protect what seemed to be a lighter energy, and a space that was momentarily my own and thus only furthered the cycle when she arrived? Was i wanting others to live small and wanting control myself and she was but a mirror? Did i fail to transform the energies of this place and that place called myself and so that which lingered beneath leapt out when called? Was it that i wanted space alone and resented her as she did me – not on the personal level – but in terms of someone else being there or having to deal with the energies about?

But this is a dorm room and people come and go. Some live large and some live small. It is shared space, as this planet is. Last weekend the dorm was fuller; one night five of the six beds were occupied. One girl had arrived the night before the other two, and her energy was initially heavy and she moped around – the tours she wanted to take were done for the season and she did not feel comfortable renting a car and driving on the “wrong” side of the road; the next day others came in so there were enough people for a hostel tour and many went out to party that night; and thus some of the energy was transformed. There was a group who formed to shop and drink and they lived larger and formed another energetic matrix; one with which neither i nor the other woman resonated with. But you could see feel a switch and also a subtle conflict between the energetic forces that were at play. But when they left, the other prickly heavy energy returned; the new matrix was not being fed.

Now some will say, this is all in your head; merely a product of your imagination and is not real. But i know that others comment on it too, and can pick up similar vibes or energies from a person or a place though they may not describe it in terms or energies or vibes per se. But we all know the feeling of stepping into a room that feels heavy and one that feels so alive. Often there are several energetic forces at play – some may dominate while at other times many are available, some may resonate more with our own energy which is why we feel them more, and sometimes, some may be able to overpower us – when we are weak or emptier or tired or run down – and yes, sometimes our own energies can overpower what is there – be it in terms of our ability to perceive the “larger” energies at place or in our ability to tranform them alltogether and thus the energies of those around .

People do not live alone; most have lived in community and this by definition is shared space. And the key is to somehow transform the energy inside this room, like those girls did coming through but towards an inclusive energy of love. We have the ability to alter the energy of a place – for better of worse – through not only our actions, but the thoughts and emotions we send out. This is applicable to the larger spaces and places for all is so connected, and as we move from one to another we can and do pick up and deposit traces of energy, and to the place within ourselves, for what is our body but another form or container that holds, picks up and transmits energies.

At times our energy has the ability to break through and transform a place, again for better or for worse, at others it may only be a small wave that gets subsumed in the larger matrix at play, and often it contributes to a larger dynamic through the interplay with the other vibrations that it comes into contact with.

I will now leave the room, and i sent out the energy of light. When i return i might still have it to myself or i might be presented with an influx of energies from many others – that i do not know and cannot control. And i know, what ever the case, it that we all have a role in uplifting the energetic force that is around and that is within.

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Observing Place

I recently wrote about my sense of disconnection and i know it is a theme that appears throughout my writing. I realize that i often write about the energies of place from the standpoint of the observer, and not a participant. I know that the observer is never really separate, for the observer effects what is observed, but still, the energies i feel are from the point of view of the watcher, and the outsider.
I have gone through most of my life observing and not engaging. I travel through space and place but rarely connect. I seek to connect but do not know how. And i wonder is my role in life to stand outside watching? What does it mean to observe? Is it a valid place? Do i merely suck the energies in and not give back? And how does what i perceive both with my senses and energetically differ from that which i would if i were more engaged? Is writing a form of engagement?

Observing the energy of a place is much different than participating in an environment or an activity. I often wonder, do you “see” more clearly? do you really fail to “see” at all? Do you just “see” differently – that is from another perspective? For instance i remember my trip this summer; walking and cycling down the coast have different energies; sitting outside a campfire circle or quietly within, are different experience than building and maintaining a campfire, or participating in a conversation or drum circle there. Dancing, listening, singing or playing along to music are very different experiences, and while different types of music produce different energetic responses, the way which we engage also transforms both the energetic response and the energy itself. Likewise with sitting beside, walking beside, swimming in, boating on, or crossing over water; the form that the water takes – be it a small creek, a polluted river, a mountain lake, or an active ocean all elicit different responses and moods, but the manner in which we engage does even more. There is a great difference in how you will feel the energies of a small lake if you are watching children splash around in the water or it you are splashing around in it yourself. The action that we take, as well as our feelings and thought, are all forms of energy that in turn transform a place and affect other beings around.

I think back to my studies in sociology back in the 1980s when the paradigms were much different. My areas of study were social change and methodology, a seemingly contradiction, but both play into my current writing. The question of the role of the researcher, the observer, often came into play – is it possible to have an unbiased study? can you understand without participating? How does one’s presence effect what is being studied? The goal of the researcher was not to effect what was being studied. How much of that identity have i unconsciously drawn in, and how much have i attracted because it is my natural role?

With the change in paradigm, and the knowledge of the new physics and the discovery that yes, even with particles and waves, the observer effects what is observed, i think most accept that true objectivity does not exist. (what do you look at, what questions to you ask, what do you see and fail to see, just what lens do you wear for all is interpreted through a lens, what energies do you put out and attract). we all play a role in this cosmic dance and i wonder if i have been sitting on the sidelines for too long. (but then again, the bench or wall in a dancehall is as much of a place as the center of the floor)

I know that one of the reasons that the energies of a place often overcome me is because of my role as an observer – i let them come in, and do not put them out (but that is false, for energies are always put out), but i do not often seek to engage with or transform what is there. i am not neutral and what i write about is often my energy as well as that which the place emits. But is this a valid role? Do i need to accept this role as mine in life? And while i see myself as an observer, it there truly such a thing? Or am i in my small way, an enlightener after all?

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I feel disengaged from this place and that is an action i have taken. or is it the result of actions not taken? This feeling of lifelessness is so familiar and remembered and i wonder just how much of it has to do with the place. I begin to think it has little to do with this specific place per se, for the feeling is more a result of disconnection than of anything else – of life not flowing, of it being stuck in a puddle or a large shallow lake. It is more the zone that i am in that drags me down – the zone of disconnection.

That zone is lifeless and bland where little energy flows in or out, and it is the zone where i have felt that i am supposed to be according to the designs of others and society. It is a zone without passions or strong feelings in any direction, a zone of getting through day-to-day, of going through the motions, of survival and of not truly living. It is a zone where i do not feel quite alive. i wander around without a destination; my eyes are clouded and i do not see; my ears hear little, my senses dull and my body becomes heavy to me. it has been a while (so i believe) since i have had this sinking feeling, and i know it often happens in the fall. The days are getting shorter and all around is preparing for winter – the trees will soon drop their leaves, and all turns within, slowing and shutting down, crawling inside. The harvest will soon be done, the harvest of the food and of the experiences that were set out to grow in spring.

And we crawl inside – i crawl inside – disconnected from that which is around. but it is not just the time of year. i am in a city, a leafy one yes, but still i feel cut off from nature. I see the full moon glowing above the mountains that surround, above the buildings, and i know it still affects us all, but i feel disconnected from its powers and the mountains appear as but distant scenery. i sit inside and am shut off, and yes protected to an extent, from that which is outside the walls. I sit in front of the computer and that becomes my world. i crawl into myself and the thoughts become it, and i become disconnected from my body once again.

I know what i feel is the energy of disconnection, an energy, which like all other energetic forms, feeds upon itself and grows. I see little around which calls for my engagement which fuels that sense of standing outside, but because i feel lifeless and apart, i see little to connect with. As i seek to engage with the energies of a place, that renders me lifeless, and i feel caught in a downward spiral for i do feel the energies strongly, and that which i feel is disconnection.

I wonder how much of this i brought on myself – both in terms of the ego self and that of the soul self. I was more engaged my first days here – down at temple square – visiting the centres, watching the films, seeing the buildings, talking with few of the sisters – learning about mormon history and beliefs. some of what i saw intrigued, and some felt sad, and i have not finished writing about the energies there – the gradual change from the seeking and building zion to the city and culture that now is but i felt alive. I also felt pain and confusion inside, and thus pulled away and disengaged. And before i came, i thought maybe i would stay, but as i looked i saw nothing in mainstream american life that called – the materialism and sprawl – i felt it strong, and when i thought of joining in i felt empty and my heart sunk and i was disconnected from all that and did not wish to connect. like the air i found it hard to breathe in when i first was here, so i started breathing more shallowly, shallow like the lake.

But often when if has been time to stop, i feel my heart a sinking – for i know that what i feel that i am “supposed to do” feeds it not at all, but rather than listen to what calls, i pull away and it sinks some more, and i wander lost once again. But how to engage i ask myself, for what calls is so far away. The sprawl that i see, the cars and stores, drain me and i feel that voice saying just give up, join in, do empty work that harms and feeds the cycle, consume distractions in order to fill that empty space that yearns – for something. And then i wonder, is that not what i do anyways. But i yearn for something positive to connect to.

I still can see the beauty of some of this place – like when i went up to a park and looked down at the green valley below and the mountains that surround, of when i walk the neighbourhoods of older victorian homes and trees that are starting to turn – leaves becoming orange and yellow, but what i realize is that they are but pleasant scenery for me. They are nice to walk by, and i appreciate them, but they are not what calls.

I engaged for a few days at the Family History library, doing research on my paternal side. For two days i sat there looking at census records and other documents and was in an active curious zone, I took a break and a burrito cart on the corner near the symphony, and smiled as i ate it one the grass by the fountain where the construction workers with orange vests took their breaks. I went across the street and into temple square and sat by the small fountain crowned by seagull, the state bird, and a bird i love. For a few days i felt alive, on a quest, and while engaged with an activity rather than a place.
The place caught up with me, i was sitting inside in front of a screen all day, and my body began to slump. And i wanted to connect, feel part of something larger than me and saw that was what i was doing – looking for connections back in time, but so many unanswered questions, and no connection with anyone alive that i know beyond my father, was i grappling for something that did not exist. And i knew that i was grappling for that sense of connection that eludes me so. And for a bit i felt engaged, in the moment, see now that sense of connection i had been seeking was what i was looking for. To be connected to something larger than myself and to be a part of the living world. And seeing those names upon the screen eventually led me to feel alone once again, for that is what they are to me, but name on a screen – i know that there is more there but in the end it brought back the feeling of being cut off. And in their culture, which focuses on the family, that sadness at the brokenness of my own hurts me more.

I started this yesterday, and then let it be, for it brought out a sadness in me, so i engaged in something else and disconnected from this. I will put it out and be done with it, for that sense of alienation has returned to me. that sense of alienation from society, and of not having a place to be, a place to life full and not merely survive. But in writing about that i feed the energy, and it is time to put it aside for a while. I did today, and became engaged with theories of place, but i ask myself why am i here, not merely in this city or on this couch, but on this planet earth? For i know there is a reason, there is for each of us, but i only wish i knew what my purpose was. This disconnection is also with the source, and i need to reconnect somehow. But i think it is speaking in this jumble in my mind, this jumble that is even less clearly written than this entry itself.

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trapped in salt lake

I am feeling trapped here in Salt Lake City. I had wanted to come to a created environment and now i have, a city and a sprawl. The mountains that surround do not feel like a welcoming container, but seem to hold me in. I feel my body slipping away to a remembered place of weakness though i have never been to this particular city before. I disengage and therefore weaken myself, energy neither flowing in or out, but there is little around that captures my attention, that calls for connection. to put down roots and grow i said, but rather than being nurtured, i feel like i am shrivelling up. To free myself i say, but all else seems so far away.

The city is an oasis in the middle of the desert. what surrounds does not call; it is harsh and stark. A city is a created environment, a transformation of space, and here when i am in the leafy neighborhoods, or overlooking the town, i see an oasis of green. Often when i am in a city i seek out the nature that surrounds; but here it seems that the most pleasant natural elements are contained within. now, once they have become part of a city – the trees and flowers and plants are no longer nature, but they are another form of life. The mountains that i see are but that – scenery – they are apart and not connected to this valley floor and act as a mere dropback to the life down here. In the bright sun they appear brown and hard and do not really call forth, though in the evening when the sun is setting they come to life as the harshness is mellowed out. But without a car they are out of reach, and do not appear as a place to explore, or maybe i just know that i can’t get there. in any case, they are disconnected. It has been abnormally warm for October, and ski season seems far away; not that i ski, but that is the activity that these mountains call forth. In other directions is the desert and the great salt lake, both which appear as foreboding environments, and are out of sight anyways. So it does not all out, but neither does what is here, and that feeling of stasis is what holds me down.

Could i engage right here i ask? I have asked this so many other places as well, and compared to where i have been and left, this place lacks so much – mainly in terms of nature around and a center within. I stay in an older residential neighborhood, close to what is called downtown. it is nice to walk beneath the trees, and there is much in reach, scattered around on different corners and blocks nearby. But that is it, it is so scattered about, and as it the case with cities, there is so much around, but so much of it is the same. And just what do i connect with? I need to engage, but nothing calls forth and i feel so overwhelmed. And being in a city i feel disconnected from the natural environment.

There really is no center as tends to be the case with most american towns; and here there seems to be a lack of spread out centers built for people to be. Like most of america, it is the land of the car, spread out and not built to human level. The downtown core is empty with few people about; some street kids and tourists and that is about it. Despite the buildings and the construction zone, there is really so little there. Temple square is at the center, and i spent several days there, but it is a place to visit, a tourist zone, and once you have seen it there is little reason to return, and it is not a place where you just be.

I have explored some of the neighborhoods, but what that amounts to is walking around, drinking coffee and riding transit – i do not see how to grasp on. perhaps i do not want to for i see houses and places to shop, and i do not know how to engage, or is it that i see nothing to engage with. It is so spread out, with malls or centers and individual stores and office building blocks apart. I find myself returning again to whole foods and feeding that empty place within. There are some outside tables overlooking the parking lot to the center which sits on a busy traffic filled street where trax also runs. So i sit inside, in the upstairs area, playing on my computer, divorced from all that is around.

I went to one corner, 900 and 900, which was cute with coffee shops, restos, a theater, and outside tables and people were around – an area that extended for half a block in each direction; the narrower site streets were cute with older homes and a large park was nearby. It was familiar, but seemed isolated in the car oriented sprawl that is around. I ask myself, what would i do right here for there is more to life than drinking coffee, but i see nothing to create. On my way to the library, I pass by a book store on one block, an alternative restaurant on another, a massage school, and much more (old churchs, 7-11s, fast food joints) scattered about and i become both over and under whelmed.

I took the trax train one day up to the university, a sprawling area, with great views, but no center that i could see. I went south on the line to an area that said historic sandy on the map. the train ran for miles down the old railway tracks through industrial zones. The stops were in the “middle of nowhere” not connected to mini town centers or even shopping malls – each had a park’n’ride and a place where the buses came in, often with very little else around. I got off near the end of the line but could not find a historic center but perhaps i did not walk far enough; but it was not comfortable walking down the busy wide suburban roads, yes with sidewalks, but where i was the only pedestrian. A residential neighborhood with small bungalows sat on one side of the street but there was no reason to wander down there.

Another day i went to Ogden, at the end of the frontrunner line. It is a separate city, but is connected by sprawl, the sprawl that runs up and down the watach range. The sprawl of industry and housing developments. The sprawl that is the geography of america, that defines the placelessness of this country. It is created, but for what, and it hurts when i look on. Is there a place for me to create here i ask, and then i shrivel within.

The frontrunner, the nice commuter train with frequent service, lets you off near the historic downtown in ogden; a place that is cute but that feels dead. I know i have seen pictures of it taken in the winter, an old western street with the backdrop of a snow covered mountain, which looks wonderful and inviting. Yet the area is empty, it is another primarily tourist zone, be it tourists who have come from afar or from the sprawl for the afternoon. It is a cute street but it is not a lived environment, for life now takes place in the sprawl. I walk around, the sun beats down hard, and i feel that aimless wandering emptiness again, that sense of loss that overtakes when i am not engaged. I try to connect, but despite a park and a new empty shopping zone, the area feels dead to me and the deadness crawls in. I drink coffee and then ride the train back through the sprawl to the oasis where i stay.

I spend days sitting inside or at the library with empty walks in between. An impasse in my life and i feel trapped once again. i look to move on and spend time in that searching zone, coming up blank, and staring blankly, and cut myself off even more. I try to write, but i see little to make me smile. The wonderment has abated, and i shrink away.

The city seems so isolated, and what direction to go? Do i do back from where i came from, where i have no place to stay. for here for the moment i can stay, and this has happened before – why is it that i seem to stay in the lifeless zone. transport out is difficult with expensive buses and flights, and trains that run in the middle of the night, and so much is so far – and nothing speaks to me.

Is it this city that makes me feel trapped, or just a city without a core, or a soul? For this is what so much of america is and it makes me sad. is it where i stay, for in this hostel others also seem stuck, and transition through impasses themselves. I want to live, but here i feel i die. I asked myself that the night before i came – would i die in salt lake – and the answer was yes, so i ask myself why i came out here. and can i get the strength to live again?

But i feel tired, like i do not have the strength to move on? but when i try to “settle” i dissolve. Is it that i see very little in this country that appeals to me, and there is nowhere here that i really want to go, and my eyes and heart are sad. Is it due to their sadness that nothing around calls forth.

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It to me a while to put my finger on the overall predominant vibe in this city. it is neither friendly, nor unfriendly. If you approach, people are polite, but even in tourist places, i feel you need to work to elicit information, and even then all is not given, and nothing extra is offered up. It is not unhelpful, but it is not helpful either. It is not forthcoming. It is reticent.

You have the feeling that people ignore one another or turn away, and while this can be common to larger cities i feel it is more pronounced here. That there is more a “putting up” with others, and an unwillingness to engage, probably due to the underlying divisions in this town. Most often is seems that people pretend that others are not there. In any case, the overall vibe is not welcoming, it is not unwelcoming, but it does not welcome. It neither smiles nor scowls, but either stares blankly or turns away. The “excuse me” in places can be clipped as if to accidentally touch were a sin. At times i feel the truce is uneasy, with an undercurrent of disapproval and judgement running beneath the surface in many directions and a wariness of others can be felt. But people coexist, and in that sense get along. Yes some are friendly, service is polite and I have yet to meet someone who is rude, and one on one i’m sure many do interact, but my overall feeling is that beings are closed and energy does not flow or connect.

Or perhaps it is just me, and i have put up my own shield of reticence, which as i think about, it one that i unconsciously use – and so perhaps i am here to see what it looks like shown back at me (again). I know that i have retreated here, and often fail to engage, and often am not forthcoming myself. I try to reach out, but find it more difficult to do here, for it is not something i see all around. i find i withdraw from the place around and feed the cycle. And i see that although the energy it closed, it still flows in a sense, for any energetic matrix ‘encourages’ more of the same, and closure can feed closure as much as openess and feed openess.

Am i projecting this vibe, or am i really feeling what it there? A bit of both, i believe. I know that what i write is not false, but i also know that it is not complete. The overall vibe of reticence does exist, but i also see people engage. I see now that i am atuned to pick up on this reticence and let it feed that which exists within. I do not know if i can change my patterns here, but at least i have become more aware. In that sense, i am thankful for being here.

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