Posts Tagged ‘energetic shift’

I hibernate in my den for a few days – back at the Happy Bear, in a den. The season has turned. the leaves fallen away, the rains come down and the temperature drops. For a couple of days I stay mainly within.

At times it feels sad this season, the glorious displays of colour dropping away, the oranges, yellow and reds that had once been green, now shades of brown beneath our feet. Energy drops, goes to the roots, the depths beneath the surface

But I also know the life is rich there, even if it is unseen. And there in the woods, the forests, are vast underground communications networks linking tree to tree, the fungi and more, part of an interconnected whole. A whole of many beings, part of the larger whole, that includes me.

I know I will not hibernate for long. Yet in this season my external activity slows, and I commune in other ways. The nights are longer, and soon the veil thins. As we approach halloween, Samhain, the Days of the Dead, the days of All Saints and All Souls.

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Who are the newcomers and how do we welcome them? Who are they and from where do they come? Are they many, an influx coming in, or a few, trickles from here and there. Do we see a similarity and kinship or foreignness and difference? What do they bring? what do they need? what are their gifts? what do they lack? Refugees fleeing conflict? Those seeking an opportunity, if not for themselves, for their offspring, a better way of living and how is that defined? Those who seek to join in, to bring in new ideas and energies – respecting, or not respecting, those which are there? Those who come to conquer, to make a place theirs? movement between lands and worlds, migration of many sorts – and just what is an alien – illegal, national, or without a prefix or suffix?

Those of us who are here, who came before, once newcomers ourselves, or in our ancestry, do we welcome them, do we feel threatened, and just how does the fabric of a place change?

New humans are coming in and what we see in the material world with migration, immigration, the world that has become global with borders that have both dissolved and fortified, is also happening on an intergalactic scale. And for all, both old and new, there have been many teaching from known history, from what has happened in the real – have we learned, can we learn, or do we repeat what has come before. For all is interconnected, all is part of the one.

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The day i left Montara i felt the energies shifting again, the ground less stable and a low-lying feeling of dread – like something was about to give. A storm was coming in that morning, and arrived by late afternoon, but by then i was another world away, returning to the place where i had come from. but like my experience walking the labyrinth several nights before, i did not feel like quite the same person when i got back to the center again.

I had not planned to return to san francisco right away, but it had been in the back of my mind, and my journey led me that way. i had looked up first night on the internet, and thought of going to monterey, but with transit connections, it could be tough, or mean a very long layover, if i tried to in a single day. Now santa cruz was mid way, and for a while i convinced myself that i needed to face the energies there – the ones that had knocked me over and down on previous visits – to greet them head on and push through. But the lord told me no by blocking me path – and i returned to the city by the bay.

Cell reception was iffy at the hostel on the point, a weak signal coming in and out. i tried over and over to call the hostel in santa cruz, but they did not pick up the phone. so i called the orange villa in san francisco – tried to make reservations there – would be easier online, but could not change the dates to “today”, and got cut off several times – but the woman called me back, and left a voice mail, yes they would hold a bed until i got there – so helpful and friendly, i was glad to go.

That morning as i sat by the ocean, a bit in panic mode, i felt something was going to go, and that feeling of quake dread came up, a shift in the land and the air and more. i walked into the little town of montara and caught the bus to pacifica – wanting to get out of there – onimous feelings coming up, and as i rode the few twisting miles on the cliffs by the ocean, i wondered if i were getting out just in time. the transit exchange in pacifica is by the ocean and on low ground. I had 40 minutes to wait for my next bus, and as i did i felt all becoming less solid again – and felt like i did that day in Crescent City last July, when i just had to head inland. a few had warned me of new age predictions for a quake following the lunar eclipse, but from what i felt and watching the animals, I did not feel anything ominous before in that respect despite the energies that were pulsing in. But now i began to wonder, for it felt like something was about to give. I wanted to make it inland before all gave way. I seemed to be in a twilight zone under the grey hazy sky, and the atmosphere of pacifica – poorer and more multi-ethnic – was a world away from the zone i had just left.

I got into the city, riding BART from Daly City – collapse on my mind at first, but after i went through the tunnels that took me to the center, it dissipated somewhat – and as i emerged at powell station – my main question was why am i here? But i felt the call to walk around with the drizzle and all.

I was called to the civic center area, where i have felt “something there” many a time on previous visits to the city. There is a pulse, beyond or beneath the buildings and people and the large open square, and once again i wondered about underground streams or fractures of something more. And i also asked why this locale was chosen for the impressive buildings and governing center. In the area and on Larkin St – i feel a sense of being which i cannot describe.

There was feeling of ground slipping as i walked west on market street between the civic center and the castro. As grey turns to drizzle and to rain, the ground seems less firm, and i return to a twilight zone. The sense of all not really being as it seems returned and i like i felt like i did in seattle this spring the first few days near pikes place market. all feels surreal, i wonder if it will dissolve. The rain comes down more, so i go for a coffee and a bite to eat, and re-emerge on the concrete streets, walking in the light rain. night is coming, i return to my room, and the skies open up and pour down below. And by the next morning i feel something has changed, though the land did not give out that night.

The next morning i walked out again, to the library in the civic center area, and then beyond through hayes valley, walking a street i rarely did. i turn a corner, pick up a coffee, and sit down. Suddenly a stillness and peace came upon me – that i had not felt in a long time – a true presence and calm that felt so new to me, and i radiated in that for a while – being truly present and at one with it all.

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I went out to lover’s point today – in pacific grove by monterey. Today i once again here felt the energies pour through me and this time, unlike the last, did not wander out too far. i felt the joy of the place and a deep sense of gratefulness for all that was there. I felt the power of the stones thrust up, a reminder of a time gone by, and could feel the joy of the others who climbed out on this point at low tide. And i was grateful for the day, and the parks and paths that took me here, for all who created them and maintain them to this day. As i walked i looked at the dogs and the wildlife around – the seagulls and mures or cormorants out on the rocks, and as i turned back, the seals who balanced upon them, looking like rocks themselves. I felt at peace and a calm, and a reminder to seek the good inside, to seek out the kernels of light, rather than those of dark. Energies came through intensely out on that point, as they have before, and i realize why it is such a special place and why all continue to make it so. i walked out a bit and then back towards the city and the bay, distracted for a while, until i saw more seals on rocks and the beach, seagulls flying around, a few sea otters with their dense fir, and two cranes by the touristy fisherman’s wharfs. The rocks have power in their uplift, but it is people who help preserve the bay today, and i am thankful for all the forces that have made this a special place.

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I stay at the lighthouse one more night, and yet another night. The storm has passed over and through both the land and myself, and for a moment the energies have calmed. but like the soil that is drenched and soaked by the rains, transformed and still containing the elements that have poured down upon it, i too feel like i have been hit hard by a rush and though not reeling with it anymore, am still processing it through.

The last few days since i arrived have been difficult in many ways – and rewarding in others – and how it feels like it has been much longer than 3 (now 5) days – a lifetime, and i can no longer capture some of what i felt – and to a certain extent i don’t want to – just let it pass through.

For the energies of both the land and the culture came up and tore me apart, pulsing through and grabbing on, shaking me up like a major quake – filling my thoughts, emotions and body with that which i could not ignore, with that which threatened to consume, with that which i must admit is there. and with everything all is intertwined, what belongs to what i do not know and what is grabbing upon me that i am picking up on and what is that coming out from within?

the land here is powerful – i have felt in ways before – to the south and the north though i have never been in this specific locale. I am by the ocean, on a cliff, on the other side of the san andreas fault – and here i have felt the energy pulsing through before – the ground less solid beneath my feet in places along the path, the waves that flow throughout my body, and that which i feel that tries to grab on – at times attacking my solar plexus and more – the tongue loosens and then gets tied up, feeling as if it cannot speak, but when it does, i feel energy flowing from myself and my hands much stronger than before. thought forms grab on, and try to seize tearing me to the ground, tears well up and smiles, as if powerful forces are hanging on – i feel alive and threatened, i feel something pulsing through. The intensity of despair, but then calm and god granting small miracles showing me to have faith. And thoughts return, i judge, both the place and myself, revealing what was not gone – communities and larger geographic representations of life forms.

On the way down on the bus i passed through much of pacifica – a place where i had been with my dad – did not go out on the wharf where i had been several times – the first with large waves beneath, the strength felt up above. The bus winds its way through Pacifica – through a residential neighbourhood up on the hill – it is a bit rundown, perhaps even on the verge of a “bungalow slum” although it is more split levels around, and i feel something is off. as the bus winds its way down the curvy streets, yes with sidewalks, an emptiness prevails and then it slams me on what it is – none of the homes have a front door – there are no front doors here – and i feel that is what has brought the area down, cheaply constructed post-war (poss 60s or 70s homes) that are showing their age though most are somewhat maintained, but there are no front doors, porches, or anything that can bring a sense of community to the street. A garage door and a bay window is what you see out front, and a narrow walkway around to the side, where lay a small door for human beings tucked away out of site – many blocked off so it seems, but you really cant see the door from the street.

I go to half moon bay the very next day – another community all together though not really that far down the road – the hostel where i stay lays in between. the main street is cute, with upscale stores and restaurants, and you feel the monied element here – that which is very self-aware – or involved – the playground of the suave bourgeoisie. And there is feel eyes upon me, and the hard looks of the eyes upon me, and feel like i am being judged – though is it i who is judging – but i feel poor and like i do not belong – a feeling that i have had in these towns before – i feel myself weakening and feeling bad about myself –

Here i am reminded that California is about the privatized american dream in many ways

my instinct tells me it is an interplay of several factors – yes, the land itself – perhaps being on the other side of the san andreas fault – i am very sensitive to earth energies – and perhaps a warning not just for me – feel powerful forces and pulses in the land and land ‘slipping’ beneath my feet – less solid underneath and rushes of energy pulsing and hitting my solar plexus and more, and a scrambling of the mind, and tongue being grabbed onto so i cannot utter a coherent word – and some i believe is directly tied to the energies of the land.

-some i also feel is tied to the “social structure” here and the path, that i said i was not following but perhaps i did – so much here is building up private lives and the good for oneself, the spirituality and good life that is so self-absorbed – the divide between the “progressive” rich communities who cast out the poor and build walls and borders so not to be “contaminated” by it. it is something i see through, but i have given little myself and failed to plant the seeds. and i tend to easily pick up on though forms around (and some much more than others that resonate and find a way in)-

i know there is a greater force here that latches on – and perhaps it tried to warn me away – but i came back to a similar place perhaps to let it speak – i know it resonates with me (and i have seen it resonate with and destroy others or try to hold on which seems to be located to place) because of something i carry inside, and it feels like a dark energy that just wants to win, and tries to tear me down, maybe this is the final battle and i just pray that i win. and maybe i was called back here for this

– while part is my own BS and karma coming home – i wanted to give but never felt wanted and shrunk back – i also feel something larger is attacking me – rested for a while – but the energy here is intense. and there is little feeling of christmas in the air and tommorow i might spend 4 hours out in the rain alone during lock out with nothing open around – and worst of all, i know i brought myself here – not only through the precise decision to come here at this moment, but with all the actions and non-actions of the past several years – so much driven by fear – i wanted to connect – but never knew how and never felt others wished to connect with me – and now i am paying the price for it all – (later – and all those thoughts and emotions totally consumed me until i wanted to tear my neck apart and scream and cry and end it – but this was the energy that came up – negative, judgemental thoughts, anger, worry, and dread, stories over and over again – some out of nowhere so it seemed)

perhaps I came to the hostelling international non-profit green hostel which promotes farmers markets and holds vispassina meditation once a week etc. because i believed they wouldn’t actually lock people out in the rain on christmas day (and they have someone working the espresso bar (with organic coffee) on staff anyways – but i guess i have been shown this before – never directly – and the answer is yes they would – i guess i just wanted to imagine that it was different – but to remember there are alot of angels out there – not always who you think – and i guess some of this reflects a disillusionment with many ideals – something that has been in my face for so long not.

There was an unheated out building you could spend time in, but i met someone and headed out for the day – a christmas lunch at the shopping plaza in pacifica of all things. but that evening, like my first night here, i interacted with others who were living out their lives, and engaged in meaningful conversation and heard interesting stories for a change. like the first night, talk was less, i feeling a bit outside, but made a collage of inspiration for 2011, and joined in activities which felt good. and i learned that faith is important, and not to loose faith, for somehow i have always gotten through, i craved an invitation and received on, and other interaction too. and i saw how those dark forces make my project the worst, and how they latch on and i crawl inside. Tonight there are few to interact with, but that is ok, and i am being shown the effects of dark energy in another.

but now is two days later, another rush of intense energies and discovering some of the landscape around, the internal screaming has calmed down, and i feel emptier inside – an attack in the room in another way – woman who crackles and slams all around and grunts at people shares my dorm – resonating hostility is what i feel, and feel it the second she walks in.

and it is interesting this melange of energies and what we interact with – for the energies are always multiple, and effect us to varying degrees, and which are linked or open up other pathways. tonight i feel bland, not sad nor happy, just finally that it is time to leave – for i discovered some of the ongoing energies of this place – beyond the stars and tail end of the moon, the after effects solstice or eclipse, the people, social structure and broken privatized spiritual dream, the christmas day rain and wind storm that blew in hard, but with the land and radar stations to be written up in my next entry. And maybe that is what being at a lighthouse is about as well – shining light through the dark storms, and fog)

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i walked the outside labyrinth at grace cathedral tonight and it affected me in ways it had not before. I truly felt each twist and turn as i slowly made my way towards center. I have come to this labyrinth many times before, and had been here my first night in town – walking in warm winter air. I noted then how a group of teenagers sat about the edge and on the circle on the farthest side, and tried not to focus on how my path was blocked, but told myself i would just simply walk around it, and lo and behold the obstacle, or girl, moved aside for me.

Last night was different – i’d had a rough day, one where loneliness welled up inside and i asked myself why i found myself here again – i had tried to go out earlier in the evening, make my way to the park or the beach, but busses and trains were too full to get on, and then after i took a break to eat i was glad, for the rain began to pour down so i crawled back inside in more ways than one – and then finally lifted myself back out and found me walking up there – wondering if i would be able to see the moon. i could it was full in the sky – through a whisp of cloud and then clear. in the quiet park across the street with red lights on the trees, i looked up, wondering when the earths shadow would begin to make its way across, and made my way to the church.

the first time i walked i felt the longness of the journey to the center and back out again – the twists and turns that come onto the path and the feeling that you will never get there. as i stood in center looking at full moon, i felt waves of energy pour into me after the hard day – then as i walked back out – nearing the edge but not getting out and coming back and circling the edge of the center, i realized that i often wanted to be where i was not – and to be both in the center and on the outside and for so long felt caught in the maze between – not realizing that it was a connecting path. i walked out and started to sing “i’m on top of the earth, looking down on creation”

it was to be a little while before the eclipse began so i walked the labyrinth of nob hill – up and down the streets look up and at the city below. going out from the center there and returned as the earths shadow was beginning to cover the moon.

i came and walked again, asking that all my experiences be brought in and integrated, lessons brought forth, the joys and the pains so that i may transmute them to light. i walked slowly pausing at each twist and turn, and did not mind how long the journey took. i stayed in the center and called forth the light as the shadow grew over the moon covering over 3/4 of it – and then i turned back out into the world once again, shining light on the passageways and beyond. As i was about to emerge, thick clouds came in and blocked out both the shadow and the moon, obscuring the all of the eclipse. So i walked down the hill to where i stay, that messy center at the bottom of the hill.

and i realized one of the many lessons that was being presented to me – to remember – just as the earth’s shadow obscures the brightness of the moon, our shadows sometimes obscure our light, but we need to have faith that the light is still there, and will shine bright once more, even if for a moment we cannot see.

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I walked and moved on the beach this morning and i felt so alive, the energy moving through my body, at one and at peace with all, and could feel the shifts inside. But somehow i cannot write about it, this hostel is loud, and i feel energized and unfocused once again. So this entry is a mishmash.

I am in seaside Oregon where i avoided coming on this trip. When i bought the bus ticket i felt my energy begin to shift, the heart chakra had movement and a slight smile upon my face. And when i went to bed last night i felt the presence come onto me. And today i walked along, against the wind to the south end of the beach, the tide was approaching low and i went into a meditative zone. The smile was deep, my shoulders moved onto themselves, my eyes blinked, my jaw loosened up and spirit rushed in as it has in this location before. I was one, and walked following my feet, huge clouds loomed over and i thought it threatened rain. but i sat and i sang and i danced around and was at one with the all. The world seemed brighter and crisper, and then i closed my eyes and was in the all. My mind would pop up, go buy groceries now, get closer before the sky opens up, get a coffee and write, but i would slip back into this transformative zone, the energetic shift slowly taking place, my nose and face aligning too and let it be. but slowly with my mind I found myself walking into the town, and would pause and let the waves pass though me. A wide smile appeared on my face and i smiled at the people and dogs around, Part of me wanted to stay on the beach, and part of me pressed towards town, and i soon left the magic place i was in. In town waves came on me, and i was calm and happy as i bought food and grocery shopped. The rain did not come and i headed back on down, but the moment was not as it had been before. Did i let my mind pull me from completing another shift, or had i taken all in that i could right then. On the way up to the store my shoulders ached, from the release of what they held, and then on the way back i was carrying so much more and felt weighted down. I was and am still calm, but the moment had passed. I walked closer to the water and looked at the designs made by the sea foam, an amazing design and i wanted to take a photo of it. But by the time i had dug my camera from the bottom of my backpack, the wind had blown the image away. I saw some amazing images of faces in more sea foam, temporary images that remained me that the moment is just that, a moment, and what is there can pass away.

I came back to the hostel and then back to the beach and then took a nap, tired from the energy or phase in the dimension shift, and felt it continue to come through me and i thanked the lord for the process.

I thought of when i had spent all that time here before, the magic i felt at times in that place on the beach (other times a different presence was felt) and of energetic jolts i did not understand, and of dancing and singing and playing in the rain and winter wind, and realizing why i had stayed all that time. And i know i am back in the process and never really left, and to have faith that god will guide me through rest of my journey along. And i feel lighter now, and this entry is jumbled, but i will put it out anyways to share the joy.

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